Happy Adoptionversary!
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Today is our Adoptionversary to us! Exactly 11 years ago, our adoption with Maurina was made official. This picture was taken her senior year, but I love it so I wanted to share it.
From the time I was a kid, I always said I wanted to adopt. The idea of “saving” a child and giving them a stable, loving home sounded beautiful and heroic. There’s a part of me that has always sought to be a hero; to make a change for good in someone’s life. It’s naïve thinking, I know this now. But I suppose it was good that I was so idealistic at the time.
Well, as fate would have it, that opportunity came. I married a wonderful man who had been married before and had a daughter, Amber. I became an instant “mom” as soon as we were married. Jeff also had a niece, Maurina, who was two months older than Amber. They were the best of friends. Maurina spent a lot of time with us in our dating and newlywed days, and then one weekend her dad decided to keep her after a visit and we didn’t see her for two years (not for our lack of trying). I’ll skip all of the details and fast forward to right after Maurina’s 9th birthday, when she was removed from her father’s home and placed in foster care with her dad’s parents. By this time, Jeff’s sister (Maurina’s mom) had moved to Georgia and was in no position to care for her. When it became evident that Maurina would not be able to stay with her paternal grandparents, her social worker turned to us. We had a choice to make: take her in, or let her be placed with strangers. There was no question in my mind what we had to do. On February 23, 2006, Maurina moved into our home.
The honeymoon phase.
Right away, Maurina was ecstatic to be with us. I remember tucking her in bed on her first night with us, bending over to kiss her on the forehead and she told me that she had been wishing and praying that she could come and live with us. I felt so much love in my heart for this sweet child who had been through horrible things; it made me happy to have her in our home where she would be loved and taken care of. She loved being with Amber and by this time, I’d had my firstborn baby, Aubrey, whom Maurina adored as well. Aubrey was 8 months old when Maurina came to live with us and she grew attached to both of her big sisters.
It was rewarding to watch Maurina blossom into the fun-loving, spunky girl that she was at heart. It was such a drastic change from the sad girl we’d reconnected with after two years of being apart. While living with us, she seemed to be happy and flourishing.
There were struggles, too. Although she was in 4th grade at the time, she was extremely behind academically and read on a first grade level. I remember it took us 3 hours to get through her homework at night (we finally worked out a plan with her teacher to ease this struggle). Through many hours of sweat and tears (for both of us), Maurina had earned the “Most Improved” award at the end-of-the-year assembly, only four months after she had moved with us. By the following year, she was caught back up to grade level!
There was physical and emotional trauma to recover from as well. As a result from not getting fed properly, Maurina would hoard food and eat as if every meal was her last. It took her some time to figure out that there would be food for her the next day. I took her to therapy every week to help her work through all that she had gone through. It wasn’t easy to have to drive and wait at those appointments with a baby/toddler in tow, but it was court ordered and it was necessary for her to move past the trauma (we continued therapy until she was 17).
The truth about fostering a child.
The truth is, fostering a child is hard. Really hard. We had visits with her biological family to deal with, which caused a lot of anxiety and behavioral issues with her when it came time for a visit. In the days before her visits, I would hear Maurina crying in her sleep at night. Sometimes she would play sick to avoid visits altogether. We had rules to follow with the system which is understandable, but still a pain in the neck. There was the pain of bonding with this child and falling in love with her, only to know that she was going to be sent back to a home that still brought her pain and anxiety.
I won’t get into all of the details that transpired, but through a series of events, Maurina was not sent back home at the time she was supposed to. Court orders were made and not followed and in the end, we found ourselves looking at legal guardianship. We were in complete shock and disbelief when we showed up to the court hearing and her dad said that he was signing away his rights and that we could adopt Maurina. Adoption wasn’t even on our radar at the time, but when they asked if we would be willing to adopt her, our answer was an immediate “yes”. We were happy to keep Maurina in our home and I was excited to make her an official member of our family and be her “mom”. Maurina was just as happy. On April 23, 2008, Maurina officially became our daughter.
Adoption isn’t all rainbows and butterflies.
Adoption-especially through foster care-doesn’t end at the courthouse with a happily ever after. I admit that I was very naïve in my thinking about adoption. Give them a good home and a lot of love and all is well, right? Wrong. Even though we were all happy with this outcome, the road ahead was a bumpy one. Adolescence and puberty brought a range of emotions that I wasn’t quite prepared to deal with. I went from having a child who loved me and loved her place in our family to having a child who resented me and who didn’t know where her place was. She went through a period of feeling lost, of not knowing where she belonged. This happened even with our reassurance of her place in our family. This happened even with unconditional love. This happened even with counseling. Even though we considered her our child and we felt that we treated her and loved her like our very own, there were many times where she had a different perception. I was dealing with my own insecurities of not being the “real” mom and there was hurt on both sides. I’m not saying every moment was like this; we had plenty of great moments, but I wouldn’t be authentic if I told you that adoption is an automatic happily ever after. It is a constant work in progress. It is a lot of tears and a lot of hard conversations and a lot of second guessing. So much second guessing; not questioning “why did I do this?” but questioning if this was really the right thing for her, or if she really should have gone back to her parents? (not that that was an option at the time).
Is it worth it??
All of the tears, all of the sleeplessness nights and worry and second guessing and I ask myself, was it worth it? The answer is YES! Easy, no. But worth it, yes. If I had to do it again, would I? Yes. Maurina has grown into a beautiful young woman. She is married and has a baby of her own (and I get to be the young, fun grandma!) I am so proud of the obstacles she has overcome and the patient and loving wife and mother that she is. She makes us very proud.
When she got married, it was Jeff and I that she honored as her parents. It was Jeff who gave her away.
When she had her baby, she wanted me by her side in the delivery room (words can’t even describe what that means to me).
After all of the second guessing of my role as her mom, I finally know my place. More importantly, Maurina finally knows her place. We belong together. We are her parents, she is our daughter, she is the sister to our children. We are family and I am grateful that she is our daughter.
Here are a couple of throwback photos that I love:
If you haven’t seen the movie “Instant Family” yet, I recommend it! It was funny and entertaining but also showed the good, the bad and the ugly of fostering and adoption. Maurina and I both watched it and talked about the accuracy of both sides; we were both able to put ourselves in the other shoes and see the situation from another perspective. I liked that they didn’t glamourize the process; they show just how hard it is. They did end on a happy note (adoption) and I suppose a “Part 2” could continue on with the struggles, but that’s how life is: a constant up and down, full of struggles but also full of joy and hope.
Happy Adoptionversary to us!
